Hyperthermia

engaged yesterday, the 27th.

wish my mom was here to talk to about it. First major thing to happen to me, and she isnt here.
I'm feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Miss you mom. So fucking much.

September 8th, 2008 was the last time I hugged my mother when she could hug me back.
September 10th, 2008 is the last time I saw my mother "alive."


I would give anything to just go back to that hospital room to just hold her unconcious hand. Just to see her breathe. To remember all her features.
I want to hear her voice so badly. To hear her say my name. I forget how it sounds.



Today is a bad day.

Miserable.
Never felt so alone in my life.
No one has time for me. It was my only day off for almost two weeks.
no one could bother.


its hot. nicks gone. my dads probably with his girlfriend. and i miss my mom.

So after almost 21 years of, "going with the flow," I am changing something drastically.
well, not super drastically. Whenever I say drastically people are disappointed by the actual news.
It's just drastic to me.
I am 100% sure I am pursuing a medical doctorate.
I have thought it over, and found the perfect career for me. A pathologist. It combines my love of pathophysiology and desire to not have patients.
My main problem with nursing is that I LOVE the science behind it, I love knowing how the body works, and how to treat things, etc. However, I hate the bedside, and all other nursing careers aren't really what I'm looking for either. I love the science, but I hate following orders and not being the one to totally implement the science.
Being a pathologist means working in a hospital basically diagnosing biopsies, and other labs, all day.
It's 14+ years of school.
4 undergrad. 4 med. 5+ years of specialized training in pathology.
I am only writing this so one day when I am in hell with tests and whatever, I can look back on this and remember that is what I want to do.

mothers day came and went..don't want to talk about that now.
Finals came and went.
I got an 81 on my nursing final which gave me an 86 in the class, which is decent.
I got an 90 on my patho final which gave me a 90 in the class.
My grades this semester are two A's and a B. That doesn't sound like a lot of work because it sounds like only three classes but my lecture, lab, and two clinical days all get one grade(The B).
I busted my ass for this and I am proud of myself. I feel snobby and mean when I think about how there were these girls that fucking failed the class and said it was too hard when I still passed given my circumstances. If I can do it, so can you. Unless you are really too stupid to understand this shit. I didn't study at all for my final and I still passed. What is wrong with this picture?
I really hope I don't fail later on down the line and have this bite me in the ass.
I'm slightly hungover at 12:30am because I was really drunk at 4pm. My friend Jamar came over and we started drinking at 3. I had to go grocery shopping with nick so I did that while drunk too. Classy.
I've only had one day off from school and work thus far and I spent it getting drunk while the sun was still out.
It's alright with me.
Time to lay down. I feel nauseated. ttyl.

Todays just one of those days where i miss her a lot.

i feel like i value people more than they value me.
sick of being last priority in people's lives when i put them first.

I went to the dermatologist to get my eczema looked at. He prescribed me an erythromycin(antibiotic) cream for the rash on my skin, as well as the bumps I have on my arms(and have had forever.. keratosis.). Then a high strength corticosteoid,  fluocinonide known as lidex. I went to get them at the pharmacy and found that only one perscription was filled so i was annoyed for awhile..
Borringg.
i fucked up on my clinical day on wednesday. my teacher finally gave me a harder patient and what happened? I had to do a dressing, a sterile dressing, which I have never had to do before. I sucked and it was embarrassing. Annoying.
Thursday I went with the IV nurse and watched two PICC lines be put in.
 A PICC line is usually put on a apatient recieving Chemo or getting some long term treatment. It it like an IV, kind of, but can be left in for up to a month. It is inserted in the patients upper arm.
When it is inserted it looks like this outside of the skin..

This is a double lumen PICC line. There are  single, double, or triple lumen PICC lines. Several lumens just mean that different teatments can be happening at the same time. Like an IV and chemo at the same time... etc.
PICC lines are inserted through a vein and end up at the superior vena cava of the heart which is just a large vein that connect to your heart and is where oxygen deprived blood goes to enter the pulmonary circulation. This set up is useful for several reasons. 1. Long term placement(up to a month, usually, can be in longer) 2. Makes blood draws easier, and iv set up easier without havin to 'stick' the patient. 3. quick absorptio and distribution through the boody.

The insertion:
The area is numbed with a local anesthetic(Lidocaine, usually) and then a needle is inserted into the vein. Then a wire is inserted with the catheter, and the catheter is pushed through the veins until it hits the superior vena cava. the wire is taken out(the wire allows the catheter to stay straight so it doesn't coil or bunch). Then the excess is left out side of the patient and voila. There is a little more work involved but that is the jist of it.

Then an x-ray is taken to make sure the placement is correct. Woo.

i'm done rambling. that was the lesson for the day.

Baby girl, shocked me like an electric eel.

If i don't pass this exam(with at least a B) I will shit a fucking brick and kick a nun in the head.

What of it.

1: Put your iTunes shuffle on.
2: For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3: YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4: Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS, "IS THIS OK?", YOU SAY:
"Art is Hard" (cursive)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Give and Go" (Girl Talk)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Cry Baby" (Janis Joplin)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Times Awastin" (Johnny Cash)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"like a call" Architecture in helsinki

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Debaser" The Pixies

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Nine Black Poppies (The Mountain Goats)\

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Hypnotized (Plies)

WHAT IS 2+2?
Chanbara (At the Drive In)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Witherspoon not Silverstone (Thunderbirds are now!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Jam Eater Blues (The Mountain Goats)


WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"The hardest Part"(Coldplay)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Dysentery Gary (Blink-182)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Candy Coated Dream(neutral Milk Hotel)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
The Blue Note (Underoath)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Alpha Rats Nest (The Mountain Goats)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Heights" matisyahu

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Doesn't Make it all Right (Stiff Little Fingers)


WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
With a Little Help from my Friends (Joe Cocker)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Falling out of love at this volume (Bright Eyes)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Blue Monday (New Order)


WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Orange Ball of Hate (The Mountain Goats)
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
A Century of Fakers(Belle and Sebastian)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Monkey Gone to Heaven (The Pixies)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Another Girl, Another Planet (Blink-182)
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Poughkeepsie(devendra banhart)


DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
I wonder (The Willowz)


IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Keeping on Loving You (the Donnas)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Wait (Ying yang Twins)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

 I am most thankful this year for my father and for Nick.They are what is getting me through this time. They spoil me, and love me and take care of me so well. I can't imagine how I'd be right now if I were living alone in Somerville.
I miss my mom more than I could ever describe, but thanks to them sometimes the pain isn't as bad.

Sometimes when I miss you most I look around my apartment wishing you'd show up like a ghost or something. I know its stupid, but I just want to see you again.

Happy Birthday, Mom.
Sorry I didn't put it on here earlier, but you know I was thinking about you all day yesterday. I hope it's the best one, with many happy ones to come.



Ps.What did God get you as a gift? I figure he must have ballin' gifts. 
I love you.

Just a few weeks until her 44th birthday. I hope it is the best birthday ever. Without pain, or worry.
I think everyone is sick of me thinking about her, or think I'm over it or something. I feel like no one wants to hear about how much I still miss her. Everyone forgot about me and moved on, but I'm still stuck on that day. I relive that day, those days leading up to it over and over. I put myself back in that room and I see her lifeless in bed, at least once a day. I cry everyday, some more than others. Every moment alone, I miss her. I just want my life back.

Some days I just don't know how to go on.

I miss my mom.

This has been a hard, hard week. Exactly a week ago,my mother died.  Everyone is amazed by how well I seem to be holding up, but I am dying inside. She is all I think about. My family and I lost her a long time ago, but I still try and remember when she was good. I was invited into the college honors program, and my first thought was to call my mom. It still hasn't really hit me, I guess. Its like she's in the hospital, or too tired to talk. But it's over. I'll never get to talk to her again. Never, ever, ever, ever. It's one of the worst feelings I can ever imagine.
I just want to hug her, and tell her I love her.
Maybe I need to go to therapy or something. I feel like I'll never be ready to move on.

She is the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night.

The wait is over.
In case I should ever forget,
September 10th 4am


It feels like a dream. Or a nightmare.